I am awful at blogging and do hope I have a chance to be better. Right now my life has been super stressful and very crazy. So in the middle of all my craziness, I was asked to speak in Sacrament. I prayed and pondered this talk on Forgiveness for awhile. Well it went well and I had quite a few compliments. I want to make sure I remember this talk so I am putting it here on my blog. If you read this, I hope it inspires you.
President Gordon B. Hinckley had a conference talk on Forgiveness in October 2005. He states” Forgiveness may be the greatest virtue on earth and certainly the most needed. There is so much of meanness and abuse, of intolerance and hatred. There is so great a need for repentance and forgiveness. It is the great principle emphasized in all the scripture, both ancient and modern.” He concludes his talk with this, “The great Atonement was the supreme act of forgiveness. The magnitude of that Atonement is beyond our ability to completely understand. I know only that it happened, and that it was for me and for you. The suffering was so great, the agony so intense, that none of us can comprehend it when the Savior offered Himself as a ransom for the sins of all mankind. It is through Him that we gain forgiveness. It is through Him that there comes the certain promise that all mankind will be granted the blessings of salvation, with resurrection from the dead. It is through Him and His great overarching sacrifice that we are offered the opportunity through obedience of exaltation and eternal life.”
I am a convert of the church. I became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when I was 18 years old. I can testify to you that Satan does everything in his power to make you weak and turn you away from this wonderful blessing. About 2 years after I was baptized, we suffered a very hard tragedy in our family. My cousin (who was only 4 years older than me) was killed by gang members. He was an innocent bystander. This was very hard on me and my family. My first reaction was to be angry with my Heavenly Father for letting this happen. For 2 weeks after my cousin’s death, I asked my Heavenly Father every day WHY. Why did he do this? And for 2 weeks I never received an answer. My heart was hardened. My life was very black. After 2 weeks, I humbled myself and let my anger go. I remember getting on my knees (once again) and asking Heavenly Father why. Why did he let this happen? Why Troy? Because of my humbleness and lack of anger, Heavenly Father must have felt I needed an answer. I remember this warm feeling envelope me. I remember it feeling like giant arms hugging me. I was warm, I was happy, I was at peace. Then my answer came. Because it was his time. I can tell you right now that if Heavenly Father had tried to tell me that answer right after my cousin’s death, I wouldn’t have listened or accepted it. It was such a simple answer. But I knew it was the right answer and that it true. After receiving this answer and accepting it, I remember that warm feeling going away and I was going to be ok. I got right on the phone to call my mom to tell her this amazing thing that happened to me. The greatest thing was the shocked expression my mother had after I told her. She told me not a couple hours before, my aunt (my mom’s sister), had called my mom and told her the exact same thing I just told her. The same warm feeling… the same answer. My aunt is not a member of the church. It just shows you how we are all children of God and he loves each and every one of us the same.
Now that I had my answer and knew life was going to be okay, you would think that I would be happy and move on. But I couldn’t. I just had a nagging feeling every day. During a Sharing Time lesson in Primary on this, they talked about this nagging feeling like carrying a bag of rocks around. That is exactly how I felt. I felt this heavy bag of rocks with me and could not shake them. I would pray to my Heavenly Father, asking what I need to do to get rid of this feeling. And every time he would give me the vision of my scriptures. I wouldn’t listen. I didn’t know how the scriptures would help me in this situation. So I ignored it and went on with life carrying this big bag of rocks. About the third time of praying to Heavenly Father and receiving the same answer of Scriptures, I realized that I should listen. The only problem was I was only a 2 year convert and in no way a scholar of the scriptures. I had heard of people being able to quote scripture off the top of their head that would answer all their questions. I even heard of people being able to open their scriptures to the right page and all their answers would be right there. I didn’t think that could happen for me. In no was I able to quote a scripture… In no way was opening the scripture to the right page going to happen for me. So I took a few days to ponder Heavenly Father’s answer of the scriptures.
It finally came to me that I needed to zero in on the rock in my bag that was really heavy that day. So that particular day I remember all that was on my mind was the word Murder. I grabbed my scriptures and decided to look up the word Murder in the Topic Guide. I couldn’t believe all the references in the scriptures to just one little word. I started to look up every scripture in that Topical Guide that dealt with the word murder. After a couple scriptures, I grabbed a black color pencil to mark these scriptures (I picked black because that was the color that represented Murder to me). After I looked up every one of those scriptures, I felt at peace with the word Murder. That rock was taken from my bag and I felt a bit lighter. I honestly don’t recall every feeling down about that word again.
So that was my process. If I was feeling down about something… I would zero in on what was really bugging me and look up every scripture on that word, mark them with the color that represented that word, and I was able to take that rock out of my bag when I was finished. Anger, hate, death, kill, blood… all of them, gone. I can’t even describe the feeling I got every time I finished reading my scriptures.
Eventually I got down to one rock in my bag. And folks this one was a big one. During my Sharing Time lesson, I was trying to get 8-11 years old to understand how big this feeling was so I got one of the big rocks from the canyon that I could barely carry and took this out of my bag to show how big this burden was for me. The rock I pulled out was Forgiveness. The kids were amazed at how big the rock was and I think they understood how big of a burden it was for me. Forgiveness… how could I get rid of this rock? How was I supposed to forgive these boys for killing my cousin? This was one rock I couldn’t get my hands around. So I figured I would read my scriptures and I would have my answers and I would feel better. So, with my color pencil on hand, I was ready to read the scriptures on Forgiveness. This is what I found:
Joshua 24:19 – he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 – For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 18:21-22 – how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven. Luke 6:37 – forgive and ye shall be forgiven. Ephesians 4:32 – forgiving on another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. 3 Nephi 13:14-15 – if ye forgive men their trspasses, Father will forgive you. D&C 64:10 – I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
I think you get the picture. After reading all those scriptures and more, I realized that I must forgive these men for what they did for to my cousin. And if I didn’t forgive them, Heavenly Father would not forgive me. That was a really hard thing to digest. I didn’t have that feeling of peace after reading those scriptures. If anything, my rock in my bag got heavier. I walked around wondering and pondering how in the world was I ever supposed to forgive these boys. For over 10 years I walked around with that rock of Forgiveness on my back. It seemed that every year that rock got heavier and heavier. I just couldn’t do this one thing very easily. Then one day, I must have been very humble. (I must have been cleaning or something like that). I have learned that my answers come from Heavenly Father at my most humble times. I was thinking about those boys that killed my cousin. I was thinking about their lives in jail all these years. I was wondering if they ever thought about the young man they killed. All of a sudden I saw the picture of Jesus on the cross. I saw him up there bleeding… and all I could think about is what he said. Luke 23:34 – Then said Jesus, Father forgive them; for they know not what they do. Here Jesus was bleeding and he was asking Father to forgive these people for what they did to him. If Jesus could forgive them, why can’t I forgive these boys. This stopped me in my tracks and made me realize that I could forgive them. It wasn’t up to me to be their judge. Only Heavenly Father will judge them for what they did. All I had to do was forgive them…. They will answer to Heavenly Father when the time comes. What an amazing thought this was to me. Finally I was able to take out that huge rock out of my bag and toss it aside. My bag was finally empty. My burdens were finally gone.
I testify to you that I know this gospel is true. I know that Heavenly Father is there for me. That I am his daughter. That he listens to every word I say and will always answer my prayers. I know He loves me. I know that he will forgive me for my sins, as long as I forgive others. I am so grateful for the gospel in my life. For the answers it has given me. I am grateful for the scriptures and the answers and knowledge they give me. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
*** Just a side note... I added a story from President Hinckley's talk and a poem. If you get a chance to read this talk, please do... it is amazing.
